Ice cold, crystal blue, that's what they are. They won't stay that way, they never do. The warmth streaking down my cheeks won't stay either. It'll dry up, just as the rain does after it falls. Eventually it all dries up, everything that is, love emotions, our senses of reality. Nothing stays the same. Life is change, whether we like it or not. It's so hard to believe in change. So why am I sitting here staring at my reflection? Staring at my ice cold blue eyes and at the trail of mascara that has streamed down my flushed yet still pale cheeks. Why do I care? It's not like my life is terrible. Or maybe it is. Who knows, I don't. I don't think I can determine that for myself or at least that's what they tell me. I mean it could be worse. Or could it? One contradiction after the next. I just feel so empty. Empty in this world of vast diversity and talents far greater than my own. I'm so different. I'm better than I think I am. I know I am, but then does that cancel it out that I don't think I am? Or is it that I know and don't want to believe? If I were to believe would it make it true? Haha, it's a pun. Why do I think like this? Too many thoughts, all just a waste of my time. I need to do something.
My hand grabs a piece of tissue and I wipe away the makeup. It leaves behind smudges under my eyes furthering the exaggeration of my zombie like appearance. I'm beautiful even without the makeup. So why do I wear it? Is it that I want to hide my true face? Or to hide the fear of the reality that is myself that i'm so conscious of never letting show due to the lack of self-satisfaction that I may possess? Nope it's none of that. I like my appearance. I'm so ugly. I'm disgusting. Why would anyone ever want anything to do with me? i'm lucky to even of had the few chances that i have had in life. I don't deserve them I don't deserve anything. I work so hard, perhaps I do deserve a few things, but none to the extent of what I've been given. Are you kidding me I deserve everything I've been given, if not more. No, no I dont. I'm so selfish. The only thing I deserve is the punishments for what I've done wrong. I'm sick of who I am. I want to change. If everything else in the world can, then why can't I? Fuck this I'm done trying. I'm done trying to please the people that have always told me I'm going to fail. Why give up, I have to keep trying. I know i can do it. Why try? Why give up? What does it matter what they think if I'm doing this for myself? Would that then make me selfish?
I avert my eyes from the sleek surface of the mirror. I can't even stand to look at myself anymore. I can feel the sudden heat upon my face as I think of my embarassment. I avoid the sight of others. I can hear their thoughts. You're disgusting, you'll never live up to the potential of what you look like. Go ahead and hate me, I don't care anymore. You never did care. So then I won't care. I can't talk. My voice is caught. Not in my throat. It's caught behing the words I write. It wants to escape but it feels safter trapped, I can reedit or revise before anyone else can see them, they're at the best of what they could be. I sometimes feel like that. Trapped and waiting to show everyone what I could be. Sadly i fail myself and I fail the ones who have always told me I would fail. You think a family would be more considerate. I am the one who tortures my tortured soul. Even though I know the tears will dry, sometimes I feel as if they won't. I don't understand this remorese I possess. Perhaps it is all that I am afraid to show my fear. In simplest terms I fear my fear. My mind is broken.